


With These Eyes, I See

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-25
Updated: 2012-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-05 23:00:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyo’s back in the game again, finally finding the relief he needs in more than one way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With These Eyes, I See

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beekeepercain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beekeepercain/gifts).



> Prompt[s]: <http://i48.tinypic.com/n5herk.jpg>  
> Beta Readers: gothic_hime  
> Song[s]: Skrillex feat Anna Flex-Satellite

Kyo sat on the sidewalk outside the venue they’d just finished playing for the night. No one bothered him, no one would dare do such a thing. Rather, they let him be as he sat there, feet firmly planted apart from one another, his arms resting on his thighs, hands hanging down between his legs as he stared at the ground. A solid hum of static filled his ears, the sound of a million people and things all going at once but none of it registering. As he stared, unblinking at the sidewalk, it too began to fill with static, like the sort you saw if you stared at the television late at night past the time the channel quit airing. His breathing slowly became more and more shallow, the tenseness of his muscles fading away, leaving him sagging in place.

This… this was the place he strived for, the reason he pushed himself so far it physically hurt him each and every time. It was a place of pure need, one he had to find to maintain his life in this world. Getting here this time had been like the pain of more than a thousand hells combined. Months of agony in which he wasn’t even allowed to talk, more trying to get his voice back to what it had been before the surgery… and even now, he knew it wasn’t quite the same. He could hear the difference though no one else would say they could.

He wasn’t even aware as his tears slid down his face to mix with the sweat of his labors. The intensity of the relief wasn’t something he could even fathom, it just existed outside the space his physical body currently resided in. What seemed like hours passed before anyone came for him and when they did, he wasn’t surprised to see the purple boots enter his field of vision before the scent of smoke wafted over him.

Slowly, he sat up and raised his head to stare up at the man who’d come to save him from himself, from his own inner demons. He didn’t say a word, didn’t even pretend like he was going to, just watching the other, waiting on a reaction.

Kaoru finally knelt and placed a hand on his knee. “How was tonight for you?”

It was a silly question, given that he’d found his relief in it. Anything where he could find such a thing was at least a partial success if nothing else. He couldn’t give 110% yet, but that would come in time. It was like starting over again and that just meant he had longer to live this life. “Could have been better.” It was his go-to answer, the one he always gave Kaoru because it let the other know he understood he had done a few things wrong, that he didn’t need to be scolded for whatever transgression he’d committed on stage tonight.

Kaoru nodded a little and shifted to flick the ashes from his cigarette, Kyo watching them float away on the wind, never touching the ground at all. He supposed they were lucky in that regard, finding their way across the universe somewhere completely new from where they’d been born; a new life and a new death from those of their companions.

“It’s getting cold, come inside.” The words should have set Kyo on edge, but instead they made him feel warm and at home. After all this time, Kaoru still cared enough to tell him to come inside. All the same, he sat there, his eyes fixed on the last spot he could see the ashes before they exited his circle of light and were lost forever. “Not yet.”

“It’s bad for you.” Words of concern, though a certain dismay laced under them as well.

“I like anything that’s bad for me,” Kyo replied, though his body slowly pulled him to his feet and he stood there wavering on the spot for a moment, his eyes still staring out into nothing, something that could have been longing written across his face. “I’ve always liked things that are bad for me.” It held so much weight, so much meaning. He meant everything at once with the words. He’d love smoking until he realized it was killing his throat. He loved singing and it was still tearing him apart from the inside out. He loved the pain of his fingers ripping at his chest, but that was maybe worse for him in the long run as well. And more than anything, he liked a certain someone and that was most certainly bad for him… so bad, in fact, that he was certain it would kill him one day.

Almost numbly, he trailed off toward the door, the sound of Kaoru putting out the cigarette beneath his boot seeming louder than it actually was to his ears. He paused at the door, holding the cold metal open for the guitarist and then passing through it himself, wandering the hallways as if by memory alone, his gaze never lifting from the floor until he found his dressing room. Only then did he pause, looking up toward Kaoru, his face going from placid to almost afraid for a split second, his mouth opening but no words forming.

And Kaoru was there in an instant, an arm around his shoulders, ushering him into the room and onto the couch. He heard the dull thump of the door shutting and the sound of the springs on the couch taking both of their weight. Kaoru hovered over him, worry on his face, words flowing from him that Kyo couldn’t concentrate on. It was only a few seconds more before things slowly faded out to black, his body and his mind going blissfully away.

-

Hours later, Kyo woke up to the scent of warm herbal tea. He was warm, far too warm to be on a couch in that freezing cold venue. The springs of whatever was beneath him complained as he shifted his position, struggling upright in the dark. He was wrapped tightly in several blankets, enough so that he had to struggle to get his arms free.

“Light.” Kaoru’s voice came from somewhere slightly to his right and after a few shuffling sounds, a small lamp was turned on.

He blinked a few times, slowly getting his vision enough to see where he was. The recognition was instantaneous, the bedroom belonged to Kaoru. He’d been there once, several years before when he’d been so sick he couldn’t help himself and Kaoru had graciously taken him in to care for him for a few days until he was back on his feet. It hadn’t changed much, a newer lamp on the bedside, but most everything else in the same places as he remembered.

Kaoru held out the tea to him, waiting on him to wrap his hands carefully around the warm cup before he let go and sat beside him on the bed, looking older than he was in his tiredness after the show.

Kyo sipped on the tea for a few minutes before finally speaking up. “How long was I out?”

“Long enough to get you here, cleaned up, and in bed.” Kaoru cleared his throat, getting some of the tiredness out of his voice. “You’ve been in here a little over an hour.”

Kyo glanced over at him, just a quick side-ways glance and then he sighed softly. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I chose to.” It was a simple statement of a simple fact, the way he said it not leaving room for argument.

Kyo drank the rest of his tea in silence, his eyes on the cup as he analyzed how he was feeling now that his body had given out and let him come back again. He felt better than he had in months, really, finally just tired rather than exhausted, unhappy rather than on the verge of his own end. He put the tea cup on the bedside table and shifted to start unwrapping the blankets from around himself. “I should go.”

A hand on his arm stopped him, forcing his gaze to meet Kaoru’s own. “Don’t.”

Something he wished didn’t exist fluttered through him at the thought that maybe this was it, that his own feelings were at least reciprocated in some small way. But he squashed the feeling down almost immediately, the whole thing unwanted right then. “I need to take a shower… to get out of your way.”

Kaoru shook his head a little, his voice seeming somehow smaller than it had a few moments before. “We got you cleaned up before we left the venue.”

Kyo raised an eyebrow at him, slowly evaluating the fact that he felt like he was only wearing underwear right then. “We?”

“Die and I. Just the same as we used to.”

Kyo relaxed a little, knowing the other guitarist had always been there to help him in his more shameful moments, the ones he didn’t want to share with anyone else, especially not the man he was fond of. He didn’t really reply, not knowing how to. A thanks seemed pointless and anything else would be admitting far too much.

“Just… I’d feel better if you stayed the night.” Kaoru sounded almost lost, like he wasn’t entirely sure what was going on either for the moment.

“But you need rest.” It wasn’t the best argument in the world, but he was certain it was better than Kaoru staying up all night… or worse, ending up in bed next to him where he’d have to keep his hands to himself all night.

“I intend to. Please, just…” he sighed, not even bothering with finishing the sentence, probably assuming it was futile to do so when Kyo had his mind made up already.

Kyo sighed softly and pushed the rest of the blankets away. “I’ll stay.” His actions seemed to contradict his words as he left the room, wandering down the short hallway and into the bathroom, the door closing behind him. He stood in front of the mirror, examining himself in the reflection, seeing less pain than he had in quite a few months stored there. He looked tired, but not lost. He tried a little smile and found that he could actually manage one now, it looking like it was supposed to rather than like a grimace instead.

Moving away from the mirror, he went to relieve himself, finding in the process that the pair of guitarists had done their job quite well. He was washed head to toe and Die had obviously even bothered to put conditioner in his hair because it was softer than it had been in a long time. He flushed and then washed up, leaving the room and going back to the bedroom.

Kaoru’s silhouette was starkly defined by the light from the little lamp, his body sideways and completely nude. Kyo’s breath caught in his throat as he stood there in the doorway, locking every detail into his memory. It was the second time he’d seen the other in such a manner, the first had been in a hotel room years ago when Kaoru had obviously thought him asleep, coming from the shower stark naked. This, though… was almost better. He knew Kyo was awake and roaming about and didn’t seem to care.

Even when Kaoru’s head lifted, he just greeted Kyo with a little nod. “Good to see you’re still here.” It seemed almost counter-intuitive. Kyo expected the other to lunge for his clothing, being the type to be overly modest, almost afraid of his own body. But instead, he stood there, unmoving for the longest time. After a few more moments, Kyo realized it was because the other had the window cracked and he was smoking, blowing the smoke outside so the room wouldn’t stink of it.

Kyo moved across the room, his steps sure, but careful. Once he was at Kaoru’s side, he almost couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and touching the other. But he refrained, instead taking one more good look before he slid onto the bed. It was, after all the side Kaoru had given to him to sleep on, though it had the advantage of being pretty much eye-level with that one most-hidden part of Kaoru’s body. A steady stream of urges took Kyo on a mental and emotional ride that was reminiscent of a whirl-wind. He didn’t realize it, but his breathing had shallowed out, his entire body falling into an intense sort of sexuality that he usually only found on stage. A slight shift tugged his boxer briefs across his erect cock, telling him he’d best stop these fantasies now.

The cherry from Kaoru’s cigarette extinguished in the tray by the window, the sound of the pane of glass snapping shut filled the room a moment later and it was only then that Kaoru paused once more. A sort of almost bemused chuckle rose from his throat, causing Kyo’s head to snap up. “I suppose that answers that question, doesn’t it?”

Kyo swallowed thickly against the sudden tightening in his throat. “What question?”

“Your sexuality. You’ve hid it from us all these years.” Kaoru shifted just the smallest bit closer to the bed, causing Kyo’s heart to feel like it was going to explode from his chest at any second.

“I’ve never lied.” It was the best he could do given the circumstances, though it was the truth. He’d never once told a lie about it, just that he’d done his best to evade the answer instead.

“Tell me,” the hesitation was completely gone, replaced by something stronger, “is it just because you’re hard up or is it because you want _me_ that you keep looking at me like that?”

Kyo closed his eyes, not wanting to admit it, but also unwilling to lie now that his cards were in his hand, ready to be placed flat on the table in front of the other. “It’s you,” he finally offered, something like resignation ringing in his voice. He’d surely hate him for it, but that was the cost of having seen what he had… and really it was more than he’d had before anyway. Die would still tend to him in his worst moments, the other guitarist knowing what it was like to hide away certain truths from everyone else.

The springs shifted, bringing Kyo out of his thoughts. Kaoru’s thigh pressed against his stomach, one tattooed hand coming to push into his hair, running through the still slightly damp locks. “For tonight… you have my permission to do as you want.”

For a moment, Kyo almost wanted to give in, to close that last little bit of distance between them and take the other’s length into his mouth, suck him until he was hard, give him his everything until he lost himself in it, until he tasted the bitter end of it all. But seconds later, he realized that wasn’t the answer to this at all. One night would only hurt him more in the long run than nothing at all. A taste of the forbidden. He’d heard it a million times: better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But it was bullshit, every single word of it. To lose it would throw him into a tailspin that he wasn’t entirely sure he could pull himself out of right then and that just made it not worth it at all. He could survive on his music, on his words he gave the world. And that was surely better than to consume himself in the sadness he’d be in for the next day if he did this.

Turning away, he shook his head and lay back on the bed, the truth slipping from between his lips easier than he’d have thought it would. “I can’t. One night will kill me in a way a thousand never could.”

The bed dipped again and Kyo felt the warmth of Kaoru’s body slide over his own, the guitarist slowly allowing their bodies to press fully against one another. “You misunderstand me.” His warm breath was at Kyo’s neck, causing the fine hairs to stand on end there. “For tonight, I’d let you have your way with me if that was what you desired. But any other night… we play by my rules.”

Kyo was quiet for a long moment, feeling as though he had to pull himself a million miles away from his own body to get anywhere with his thought process. “Is it just sex?”

“Is anything just sex with you, Kyo?” The words held a truth that Kyo couldn’t deny. Nothing was ever simple in his life and everyone around him knew it in an almost painful sort of manner. Kaoru’s lips lightly brushed over Kyo’s neck. “You’re not the only one who likes things that are bad for them.”

Hope speared through him in a way he’d never experienced before. He let out a little groan, his hips finally pushing up, feeling that Kaoru wasn’t entirely soft anymore. Slowly, his hands slid onto the other’s hips, holding him there as he began a slow rhythm of his hips, not a single word freeing itself from his throat.

He was slow to ramp things up, pulling Kaoru to the point he could tell the guitarist was ready to beg him to move forward with things. He pushed up toward him, huffing out a soft sound as his hips jerked once in a more violent sort of manner. He needed this… needed more, and he had a feeling Kaoru needed it as well. He shifted one leg and then pushed them over, making quick work of removing his own boxer briefs. He sat there for a moment, feeling a little lost. He couldn’t do as he wanted without the proper supplies, but his body craved it, desired it like nothing else in the entire world right then.

Something cool pressed into his hand and he looked down, finding Kaoru had given him a small bottle of lubricant. As he watched, the other removed a condom from a blue foil packet, reaching for him and rolling it down over his shaft. His hips pushed into the touch, a groan slipping out at the stimulus of Kaoru’s rapid movements of unrolling it over him. He applied a bit of lube to his fingertips and waited as Kaoru settled back, spreading his legs and putting his arms behind his head, looking for all the world more relaxed than he had any right to be right then.

Kyo reached down between his legs, beneath his sac and slowly slid the pads of his fingers over the other. The first digit slipped in so easily, he was shocked. He pushed the second in, finding the slight resistance he had expected with the first, slowly thrusting and searching for that little elusive bundle of nerves he knew would make this all worth it for Kaoru. When he found it, the guitarist let out a grunt that made him smirk. He’d always wondered if Kaoru would moan or grunt or cry out in a manner almost fit for a girl. It only fit that he made the most manly of sounds even in a position like this. He stroked over the spot until Kaoru reached down for his own dick, starting to jerk himself off he was in such a blissful place. It was only then that he spoke again, leaning down and whispering over the other’s chest, “That’s right…”

He pulled his fingers free, shifting up over his body and slowly fitting himself with the other. The feeling of his dick slowly sliding into the other’s tight heat was indescribable. It was everything he’d ever wished for and so much more. He pressed in all the way to the hilt, shifting just enough to get more leverage, giving the other short, tight little thrusts that brought little grunts from Kaoru each and every time. He watched in the tiny amount of light as his cock filled the other, time and again, watched as Kaoru’s dick flexed with each inward thrust, his balls already tight with the need to cum.

Right then, he determined he’d suck every last drop of it from him. He’d find his own end and then give Kaoru his in the most delightful manner possible. He reached for the other’s legs, shifting him so that he could get a better angle on their joining. He pushed one of Kaoru’s legs back toward his chest, leaning into it as he thrust a bit more vigorously, the wet slap of skin filling the room.

Kaoru’s body went rigid and then relaxed, a long groan meeting Kyo’s ears. He kept their position, allowing himself to ramp up one more level in his need. His body felt like it was on fire. He was finally here, finally connected with the other in a way he’d only fantasized about all these years, and he was giving Kaoru enough pleasure to cause these glorious sounds to fall from his lips. All because of him… all _for_ him.

It was then that he lost it, unable to keep any sort of pace or coherency any longer. He snagged Kaoru’s wrist in his hand and began to thrust erratically into the other, his pleasure ramping up in a way he’d thought could never be done before this moment. His balls were so tight and his dick so hard it damn near hurt and the sounds that were coming from his throat now couldn’t be stopped or even remotely helped. The moment he started to lose it, he felt like he’d found Heaven, maybe for the only time he ever would in his entire existence. Some small part of him that was still with it forced him to pull out and get the condom off, the better part of his load jetting out over Kaoru’s inner thigh and his dick.

The very moment he was done, he let go of Kaoru’s wrist and his leg, slipping down his body and immediately taking his cock into his mouth. He didn’t beat around the bush about it, no hesitation whatsoever in his actions. The bitter taste of his own cum filled his mouth and he swallowed it all away, used to it. He felt Kaoru’s hands in his hair, not pushing or pulling, just resting there in a reverent sort of manner, in a way that told him the other hadn’t expected this in the least. He gave him his all, throwing himself into it in the same sort of way he did with everything else in his life.

When Kaoru came, it was with a sort of surprised little grunt, followed by a long groan as Kyo sucked at him long and hard, his hand coming to jerk the lower part of his shaft off with quick, expert movements. Once he was certain he’d gotten all the other had to offer him, he backed off, giving it one last lick and then settling back on his knees, a bit shakily.

Kaoru reached for him then, pulling him down into his arms and shifting a blanket over them both, mindless of the mess they were both currently in. Neither of them spoke, words would have been less than what was needed anyway. Rather, they lay there in one another’s arms, simply feeling and understanding that tomorrow would bring the answers they needed in one way or another. For now, they were to live in this world, side-by-side in well-weaved bliss.

**The End**  



End file.
